True hearts and minds and melodies
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "pick up a guitar, string a web of sound" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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04:06 am
[Link] | wow. fuck off.
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11:44 am
[Link] | LA da di da. I just had a really nice yogurt. I'm trying really hard to keep myself motivated on writing my essay which is probably why I'm updating LJ.
Oh i just cant wait to grow up! xxxxx
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12:07 am
[Link] | Time time time, I cannot use my phone as I am so broke I cant afford to pay the bill.
I love Robbie more than words can express, I wonder why. I dont understand any of it. I'm just perpetually confused. My accent has become mangled from only having conversations with people from scotland and manchester.
Sky hates me probably which is somewhat deflating.
The only music I have any time for is folk and hiphop.
I'm happy. If slightly bored.
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08:24 pm
[Link] | Sex is so bizarre when you think about it. I cant believe I actually have it.
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03:53 pm
[Link] | Trying to organise 3 different parties at the same time, trying to keep up with my dancing, trying to paint a picture of you, trying to do third year uni work is actually quite fun.
I like to be kept busy.
Now Tea ♥
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11:47 am
[Link] | BONJOUR!
I HEART PARSLEY!
:D
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10:32 pm
[Link] | One, two, three, four!
I was kidnapped real young by the sweet taste of love
Built a fondness for things that just weren't good enough
I cradled the crow, always shooed off the dove
Which tagged me a naïve son
So the fortunate kids, yeah they left on their lights
And they stuck up their noses and started some fights
Their parents all cackled at dirt on my hands
While my father was slaving, my mother explained it
Sometimes that's just how it is
So my sister went kissing a maple-skinned boy
Finally held up her fists, said "I'm done being coy!"
And the neighbourhood boys started buzzing with joy
We finally had front-page news
Although it was sad, I couldn't help but laugh
Such ridiculous hate in the hot summer sweat
I laid on my back, let the punk record spin
The stomping guitar, it was shooting out stars
It all went to my heart, yeah some rainbows in the dark
So I called up danger, my friends and some strangers
They stumbled and wavered, one called me his saviour
They slipped me the blood in the whole of the vial
But I didn't feel them change
Then I met a man with a fist for a hand
Held me flat on my back, taught me how to give in
Some phrases were shot, pretty roses got tossed
The gift of a fat-lipped grin
Now they're drilling my teeth while I'm soiling sheets
With my lover, she's counting the diamonds on rings
And even when truth doesn't help with the sting
Out of no numbers, some harsh looking colour
You pull them out, feel they're changed
No need for a thousand cranes
So I thank the city, the lights that it's spinning
The friends that I have and the shoes we’re not shining
The drunk horn’s so violent, all spinning out sounds
But the colour’s so vibrant , the colour’s so loud
The newly-born crying realizing what life is
In the eyes of my grandpa, the right people dying
The see-saw of love, its rickety bounce
The feeling of coming, the feeling of going
The mother, the child, the tame and the wild
The sleeping in minor, the gold leaf, the tire
The crooked, the straight, all the hip and the fake
Oh, I'm finally feeling the stitching of beautiful seams
Sometimes you just can't hold back the river
Hold back the river...
squee squee beaauuuttiful cannot believe I forgot about this song for so long :(
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LUCC4HSb-c ace vid too.
Oh I had been so long without internettles I had almost forgotten ye LJ
as one may be able to detect from lyrics still have a bounce in my step from seeing tilly and the wall on friday...though am loathe to buy new album incase I hate it. oh wells :D
I might take tap dancing classes...
I have to finish Potiki before I go to bed tonight...english seminar tomorrow....technically I should also read Things fall Apart as well but that sooo wont happen, I'm knackered. Potiki is ace though, I adore it, very dreamy.
Night night LJ
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12:48 pm
[Link] | They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
- Philip Larkin
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08:25 am
[Link] | YAYZ I's single!!!!111111....
now i need to add some alcohol and buff people to this situation and it will be sooo much better
in an empty unfulfilling way...lolz
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01:40 am
[Link] |
Nothing
The title of this essay will be "everybody is shit"
Innovative. Thinking back...
God but everything felt different back then,
i suppose teenage years are a rebellion, if not against anyone else... against life. Against your birth and against yourself, fundamentally..
You see where your life is headed and you don't like it. You know you've been lied to, and thats when you lose it all, lose everything, fuck it, who cares.
I lost my kettle. It wasn't really a kettle though. Oh yes, I know it sounds complicated if you're not in my head.
It's like life is just made out of ridiculous half puzzles that try in vain to register their meaning to you, try and make you remember, try and coax you out of your delirious self obsession for just one fucking minute.... and the meanings are floating through in strange prose, or someone who looks familiar on the bus, or a familiar floral scent, jerking us to and fro from this bizarre conceptual plane.
Nevertheless. I believe that the message its trying to convey, the eternal message, the one which we try so desperately hard to forget but still filters through the cracks in the window...
Sublime
Current Music: Radiohead - Faust Arp
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12:35 pm
[Link] |
my computer is back and running again!
finally. Now when i get all these stupid uni essays/revision out the way, maybe ill really have something to shout about.
Current Mood:  artistic
Current Music: the divinyls
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03:12 pm
[Link] |
I feel inadequete
and as though I should be somewhere, anywhere else. I'm getting driving lessons soon, and buying some old banger and driving away man. Really these are the best years of my life and I'm just wasting them? Fook it.
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04:03 pm
[Link] | Oh procrastination, why do you haunt me so?
You know who are ace who I totally didn’t use to appreciate? Black Rebel Motercycle Club. I’ve been listening to Howl non stop and THAT’S not even the best album. I think I had some sort of resentment against them because when the White Stripes cancelled at Reading 2003, they filled in and we were all very disappointed. But they’re ace. I probably enjoy them better now.
Updates from 4 Becketts Park… Jason has an American girl who’s is 5 years his senior staying with him, lolz. He basically slept with her when he was on tour in the States, and he bought a drumkit when he was out there which would obviously be too much hassle to get home on the plane so he left it with her meaning to get it flown over separately….but then she said she’d fly over and stay with him and bring the drumkit over herself!
Because American girls love English guys (ala Love Actually)
Haha. So that’s quite amusing. She seems nice though.
Robbie has officially moved into my room, and George has taken over his room. It's really cute, we're sharing a big wardrobe together and we have the exact same amount of shoes which he thinks proves how perfect we are together, however I think it just proves he's a biiig girl.
The room sharing however...does not bode well for what will happen if we break up or anything, but hey lets not think about the future. It’s all lovely at the moment anyway, so whatever. I can’t believe we’ve been together almost 8 months that’s crazy…I’ve never had a relationship last this long. See, this proves that you can break patterns, I was sooo certain I would never break my 3 month relationship pattern.
Also before I lost my virginity I was so convinced that my body was so horrible I would never be able to enjoy myself or show my body to anyone, or have sex with THE LIGHTS ON OMG)
Isn’t it strange how we change?
I’ve been being good in regards to exercise. Trying to do at least 30 mins of interesting cardio per day, and vary it, so running one day, swimming the next, dancing the next etc. Then 2-3 days a week I’m gonna try and do these horrible strength exercises with weights at the gym. Ugh. I really have no strength. I suppose that’s why I should do this. Hmmm.
Plus I’m cycling to and from uni everyday which is about 3 miles.
God how dull. I’m sorry – this is highly boring. I will not update until something happens that’s actually interesting.
Current Mood:  geeky
Current Music: Shuffle your feet - Black Rebel Motercycle Club
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06:13 pm
[Link] | 1. What's the first word that comes to mind when you think of me?
2. Go to http://images.google.com/ and search for that word.
3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results (don't tell me the word!).
4. Use an image tag so that all can see the picture and I can't see the word if it's in the url.
5. Put this in your own LJ so that I can do the same (i.e. revenge is mine!)
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07:14 pm
[Link] | At the moment I'm at the library, feeling a bit disillusioned with life really because what I really want to do is have some sort of stable job, then in my free time go on long, long walks, with someone who you know so well it doesn't matter if you're silent. I want to take photos because the world is so beautiful at this time of year with the reds and the yellows and the crazy skylines.
Then, in the evening I want to go to dancing and I want to dance for hours, I want to dance till my legs ache and my feet bleed and I want to smell the smell of leotards and chalk and to feel the blast of cold air against hot skin when you leave.
I want to have my sewing machine here. I have so many ideas for patterns and its frustrating to not be able to make them.
I do NOT want to be sitting in the library, with a headache, reading 'classics of moral and political theory'.
Oh well, at least I have my music - and a warm coat! looking forward to the walk home, I love the night sometimes.
I kinda miss London a bit. And home.
xxxxxxx bisous
Current Location: library....
Current Mood:  aggravated
Current Music: she fell into my arms - ed harcourt
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03:02 am
[Link] | Life
I'm so scared of waking up and realising I was right.
There is no way to type any of this out because the during the transition of thoughts to words half of this will be lost forever and will not make as much poignant sense as it did in my head, so I will just write what I know.
When I took mescaline everything became very suddenly clear to me in regards to myself, and my relationship at least.
I knew the same old things I always know on drugs, that there is only us here...thats it....theres only ever been us (whoever it is) for all time. We are Adam and Eve, we are every character in history, we are the future, theres never ever been any time but NOW, and everything else is an illusion.
Thats why I believe I tend to end up in threes all the time...all my life I seem to be in a three.
Me, my mum, and my dad. Me, Cherry and Olive. Me, Annie and Lucy, me Annie and Hannah, me, Akio and Hannah, me, Joe and Rosie etc etc it goes on....and whenever I'm taking drugs I seem to end up in a three (example, me Lucy and Graheme in liverpool,...me and Akio and Hannah...me Robbie and Andrew)
But it was so different when I was with Robbie on mescaline, because he was a BOY and I've never actually properly properly tripped out with a boy before...apart from with Lucy and Graheme....and even that time I had a really really strong feeling at one point that Graheme was my dad (yes I know thats weird...I also thought he was Jesus though so..)
But anyway, Robbie. So because he was a boy it was like everything made sense. And I knew he was my dad. And that I...was my mum. Because there is only one woman in the world...her. And only one Man in the world...him. Adam and Eve...my mum my dad, me and robbie...whatever. Everything made sense down to the things he said, the way he talked, the way he looked.
And I knew he would never be faithful to me. Because my dad was never faithful to my mum. And I knew I would know him forever. But thats because there is ONLY HIM. No one else. Even if we broke up, and I got a new boyfriend it would still be him. Because...there is only one woman and one man in the world (adam eve) and everything else is an illusion, and we are forced together because we were turned away from something amazing, we were left behind and now we are forced together but we try to kid ourselves that its different.
And we love each other but we are sick of each other simultaneously. and NEVER at the same time. We've been with each other for eternity so what do you expect?
The other day when we had the talk about everything and he made me cry...and then he started to cry because he'd made me cry....
I've hardly ever seen my dad cry...but when I have...its generally been because he's upset me.
I think men in my life are destined to love me inconceivably..but just not be able to show it at the right times...and will always end up leaving or hurting me...because they cant help it...and then will get really upset because they didnt want to hurt me...but still carry on doing it.
because there is no clean break because life doesn't work that way
I dont believe in people who say there is
I dont think you exist.
There is no way of "getting rid of something" when you throw rubbish away it simply piles up somewhere else...we are all one.
Like how my mum and my dad are bound together by whatever...they just cannot escape eachother because of the situation they have created...they keep hurting eachother and fucking each other up...and hating themselves for doing it.
Kind of like me and Robbie really because we live together and cant get away from eachother and he will always be changing his mind and heart about me. And there will always...always...ALWAYS be someone else. Even if theres no sexual side to it. There will always be someone else. (lauren, lauren, katie, becca, gugs - whoever)
Because we are the same. My dad left me once and will continue to do so in multiple relationships which I recreate for myself in some twisted masochistic frenzy.
What I realised back then though was that the important thing was that I not focus too much on him. Because he could never give me what I wanted because no man can. I just needed to be happy...with myself. And his love is just a bonus.
Days are illusions and time is an illusion and other people are illusions, and nothing exists except our being and this consciousness we have created. We're all just the same thing twisted and molded and trying to pretend we're different.
xxxxxxxxnight night cosmos
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06:19 am
[Link] |
worst summer since...
2004...
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12:55 am
[Link] | God all this childhood crap. Secrets and lies that really dont seem a big deal anymore. Maybe I'll come clean when I'm on my death bed and all my friends will laugh and say "well...we knew that all along. Known it since you were 3"
With him what have I experienced? So much...but was it all just in my head? Yeah probably. I'm like that film with audrey tattoo being a psycho. Unrequited love to the maxium. Too extreme. Well then he shouldnt have fucking pretended.
I hate men.
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11:51 am
[Link] |
"Ode to London, nights out on the tiles and the 6am walk of shame"
my eyes hurt and im too sleepy to think but too awake to sleep.
dancing memories flicker past my eyelashes, past my window...
my ears ring with resounding glory
my heart is nothing - just an organ
i sit in a sea of emotions and it's like they are little fishes swimming around me
or spiders
or some other vaguely amusing little things
Vaguely amused and apathetic, kind of a zombie shell of who I really am
what I really was.... was wasted in a room of random people with twatty sunglasses
fin
Current Location: my room. Im cold.
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10:43 am
[Link] |
On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion
Forgot how much I fucking love this film. If you havent seen it watch the trailer here...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iDAaS3QiNk
THEN BUY IT...so fucking beautiful....
Man on the Train:Hey, are you a dreamer?
Wiley: Yeah.
Man on the Train: I haven't seen too many around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead, no one does it anymore. It's not dead it's just that it's been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too. By dreaming, every day. Dreaming with our hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced, ever. So whatever you do, don't be bored, this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting.
Boat Car Guy: The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving.
Guy Forsyth: The worst mistake that you can make is to think you're alive when really you're asleep in life's waiting room.
Current Music: iggggy pop
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